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luding out
i’ll give them what they want, satisfy them, feed them. I’ll show them something dark and scary.
unknown 
torment

you’re not the only who’s hurt, i am too. torn apart from this choices i made, like i have one, literally no. but please do bare in mind, that i have never told anyone that i want them so bad like i did to you and also to add on, that i have never experience in my life to be someone else love-interest and can’t make them mine on my part nor held them as i want, the feeling is torture. nerve breaking. and to hell yeah it changed me from something else. i want you to know that you’re not alone suffering from this, i am too. i want you, every inch of you, all the corners of your face and body. put that in mind.

random

can’t believe i’m blogging, lol. its been so long since i blog, apparently i couldn’t think of anything else to blog since i got here and most of my blogs are about my rants and shits, if i can remember in my first account in tumblr i blog there alot, almost everything that happens to me then i shut it off cuz i wasn’t able to tell everything i could probably because of my followers knows me in person, i was afraid i might offend them and until now,i still have some follwers that knows me, but i guess i can’t take that away.

i know, i reblog alot about random shits, foos especially dave, LOL. its just that i couldn’t really write what i want to say, even at this moment so basically this is just some random blog i’m doing so i can cover up my “reblogs” hahaha, i feel sorry about my followers, i mean i know how it feels when you go to tumblr and you keep on scrolling down to find something interesting but it takes a few mins to get there because your friends or whatever you call em’ reblogs a lot of random shit, its annoying, i know and somehow i turned into that kind of blogger and i apologize about that, but hey its my blog right? so i don’t really give a fuck.

so right now i want to share about people, in my life, i met or whatever. sometimes they became precious to you but some fucking twisted things happens that most of them goes away and sometimes they changed, you won’t be able to change that i mean its part of growing. i learned a lesson that you should stop caring for those who careless about you, because i used to care alot and most of the time i’m the one who’s apologizing whatever reason its is or even if i didn’t do anything wrong. it just feels like i have to so they won’t go away, i don’t give a fuck about pride, my dad thought me when i was little that pride won’t get you anything and anywhere. cuz God didn’t let his pride to go off the walls when everyone was cursing at him, like we humans do (my dad is a very religious person) so its stuck in my mind as i grow up. but i know there’s a time that we’ll reach our limits and i guess i reached mine, so i stop. i stop fixing things, i stop caring and just go and enjoy my life cuz you have to agree with me that there was this fucking point when you reach it right? you’ll get tired to chase everyone, trying to fix it and even try your fucking best just to fucking please them but at the end of the day its fucking useless. and i did, i let those people go, who couldn’t appreciate me, who can’t stay with me and just be contended for those who stays with you and you know what? it feels so fucking good, it wasn’t that complicated as it used to be but then weird things happens right? hahaha you just have to suck it let it sink and let it go, that’s life.

so i guess my conclusion here is that when you already have pearls or gold in your hand stop looking for more, you know and just be thankful cuz you found one. be happy and have some fucking satisfaction in your life dude, seriously.

too much thinking

I was dreaming about her, after I read her book, I imagine myself being in her position. Lots of “what if” came into my mind like and sometimes coming to sum up if I ever became like her, it sure feels good. I want to be like her, not entirely but some part of her, being independent at the young age, the pain she overcome and how she shrugged her feelings deep down, way deep down inside of her, so nobody can hurt her anymore. She was cool, i want to meet her, i want to greet her and tell her “you’re wonderful, I admire you.” But I know in reality I was too far headed. But after all of these wants from her, I do have some similarities with that I can tell by myself, her obsessive way of thinking for music, how she compared herself to everyone, how she made some of her mistakes from bad to worst and how she talks to herself, especially how she adores her family. She’s cool, way cool and her book is one of my favorite, great inspiration.

Then after her, you came along. you we’re making fun of me, I got pissed and lay down in the bed, then you came right over beside me, kiss me in the cheeks to my lips and just hugged me. Right there everything was perfect until I woke up with great sorrow knowing that everything was just a dream, especially your kiss, how it feels so real, but everything was just an illusion. I tried my best to sleep again, catching you, wishing i can back in that dream again but no, too late, i was back here in reality again. And I just swallow the whole pill again.

reality

actually the truth is, i want you, so bad that it kills me, but i can’t have you, i just can’t and in this part of me saying that its a lie but honey we all know that answer is. I’m wishing that we we’re born in a different world and there i’ll stay by your side, eternity, because i find “home” in you.

the problem with me is attachment, i get too attach to people and at the end of the day, i either destroy that attachment or the other side of the party which leads to falling apart and depression. So this is the reason why my friends are limited. only those who are willing to stay with me due to my flaws.

fact

With God, I surely know, I will overcome this struggles in life, I will defeat my enemies, I can stand up every time I fall, I will reach my goal and achieve more, and I can surely survive this world.

at this shit

i feel depress recently, it feels like the world hates me (seriously, literally) not being a e-m-o here but that’s what i can see/feel right now, a lot of people hates me and i don’t know why, especially those who are related to me, i know i make mistakes and i’m so sorry about that, i didn’t mean to, i’m not fucking perfect, i’m sorry if i cause you guys some troubles. but for those who keeps on stabbing my back, stop, fuck, just stop, i’m still a kid, let me get through. if i can only control and do something about it, i would really go somewhere far, i would have said yes to my parents to live there in canada or australia with them, but no, i didn’t because i thought it would be much awesome if i’ll stay here, but it turns out nothing i imagine of, the only thing that keeps me going is my parents and especially God, i just wished everything will be fine.

so help me God.

survive.
  • don’t care about others
  • forget the past keep moving
  • experience failures
  • grow up if needed go change.
  • try not to throw up
  • give love and be hurt
  • stop looking back and looking forward
  • appreciate what you have and what you are.

appreciate and experience life. keep smiling.

tao.

ayaw ko sa mga taong walang utang na loob, mapride and makapal ang mukha. seriously, hindi ko ineexpect na gaganituhin ako ng mga tao dito, mabait naman ako sa kanila, and in fact i treat them like my siblings, it saddens me that all of the things i did and gave them, eto ang makukuha ko. i don’t expect for you to return what i have given you, i just want some respect and good relationship with you. pero ang kapal lang ng mukha mo, and i have to rights to be annoyed or be mad at you, because i didn’t do anything wrong to you. and so i don’t care if you’ll be pissed, its your fault anyway. 

i can be a bitch, and you know what horrible things i can do to get some revenge. but i won’t cause i won’t go down to your level. God will just do it for me. ;)

rest well, my beloved lolo. you’re now in peace and in the Lord’s kingdom. we’ll surely miss you. 

no words can explain how much and it’ll scare you on how many mountains it’ll move just to be in your arms.
cm.
it sucks.

did you ever get the feeling of being so shitty? hopeless? but at the same time you still want to be in that situation no matter what. no matter how suck it is? 

its funny, how people look so miserable but even if they are, they can still find happiness in it. sometimes we tried our best to get out in our position but when we’re out, we crave to go back. why? its simple, happiness is very hard to attain, when you tried to think about it, it seems so easy to have it, but when you’re on the road of looking for it, you’ll encounter lots of obstacle that’s so damn hard to get through and then you’ll see yourself, in that odd position. happy and satisfied. weird huh?

untangled.

i don’t see the future in.. anymore. but i’ll go on and i’ll just stop, if ever that day comes.